How to Get Your Husband Back after He Leaves You
I can’t think of anything more painful or heartbreaking than hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore. Maybe I never did.” Or “It’s over. I’m in love with someone else.” Or—maybe even worse—to discover those things without him saying anything. It’s only human to be angry with him for being such a thoughtless jerk. It’s natural to want him to hurt the way he hurt you. Unfortunately, there’s no real comfort in making him suffer, even though it’s more tempting than a Cinnamon. There are, however, specific things you can do to give yourself real relief from that continuous ache and to put your family back together.
You can put everything right again but only if you do things very, very differently than you’ve been doing them. Everything I’m going to suggest will sound counter intuitive. But these radical measures are what I’ve seen breathe new life into broken marriages for thousands of women in your distressing situation—and what I did to revitalize my own broken marriage.
1. Suspend his sentence temporarily
Whether he–moved out or found someone else or both, that was an incredibly painful betrayal. It was the worst!. I would never diminish how hurtful that is. But he didn’t do it to hurt you. He did it because something was missing in your marriage. You’ve felt it too but didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t either. He was vulnerable because your marriage lacked oxygen. It doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it okay. It just makes him human. If you can set aside his crime for the moment and stay focused on the worthy goal of saving your marriage, you’ll give yourself a huge advantage. If you’re having a visceral reaction to this idea right now, it’s not the end of the story. It’s only the beginning, and the story will get much, much better.
2. Get happy
While it may seem impossible when you’re in the most heartbreaking pain of your life, it’s imperative to make yourself ridiculously happy right away. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself laugh, feel inspired, delighted, self-expressed, alive, and loved by family and friends. Yes, you’re in shock and grief. It sucks! It feels like your life is on fire, but you can reclaim it by deciding to have some pleasurable moments every day. I can’t stress this one enough. It’s an indispensable step to reclaiming what’s rightfully yours: a gratifying life with a monogamous, playful, passionate marriage. You may one day look back and think of that Dickens book that starts, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” It’s already the worst of times. What can you do today to make it the best of times?
3. Keep it short
You probably have lots to say to him, but consider keeping it as short and as sweet as you can. The longer the conversation, the more likely you’re going down the wrong road. It may feel strange to keep those critical thoughts to yourself when he seems so richly deserving of hearing about the pain he’s caused you. It may seem only fair to tell him how you’re feeling. Making the choice to be reserved and dignified in your talks with him will pave the way for a brighter future than complaining–no matter how justified–ever could.
4. Listen big
Instead of telling him how hurt and upset you are, consider being on the quiet side and giving him the space to talk by providing emotional safety—no anger, judgment or tears. For a whole evening (or at least one hour), just say “I hear you” or “uh-huh,” and nothing else. One woman did this at her marriage counseling sessions, and her husband said, “I keep waiting for you to interrupt me but you’re not!” She just smiled. It wasn’t long before he moved back home.
5. Clean up your side of the street
You have been wronged, and he’s the one who’s behaving badly. But there’s enormous power in inspecting your side of the street for messes you regret and want to clean up. Look for ways you were critical or controlling. Say, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…” Watch your dignity return.